Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Don't Be Hatin' on My Wal-Mart Style, Wal-Mart

So something I learned about the Marriott School of Management this year is that the competitiveness never ends.  Think getting into the program is rough?  Just wait until you have to start looking for internships.

"And so, if you don't apply for at least 13 internships this weekend, you will end up like Steve the hobo; who, in spite of his 3.94 GPA, didn't apply himself outside of classwork."
So yeah, they put a lot of pressure on us.  Well we had the Career Fair today at the Wilk Student Center.  I dressed up in my best suit, did my hair all nice, and put on the good pair of Eccos.  I printed off ten copies of my resume and put them in a nice little folder along with a list of all the companies I wanted to intern for.


I was wearing a purple shirt.  That's how you know I wasn't effing around.

I went to McDonald's and ordered a Big Mac and a Spicy Chicken Sandwich.  You need your energy if you're going to be talking to those recruiters.

While walking to the Wilk I was practicing the elevator pitch that I would give to all the recruiters so they would be all like "Oh my gosh, you just convinced me to hire you in thirty seconds or less!"

I got to the career fair and it was packed.  All the guys were wearing suits.  I felt like I had a leg up, however, because half of guys were wearing white shirts, and I was clearly wearing a purple shirt.

I decided to go straight to the biggest, baddest company at the fair:  I went to the Walmart booth.  I was so pumped and ready to go.  Then the recruiter took one look at me and said:








Boom!  Roasted.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Object Lessons Make Sunday School Exciting

As some of you may know, I used to be the Gospel Doctrine teacher in my single's ward, and I absolutely loved my calling.  I didn't have to worry about getting people to church, I didn't have to go to any special meetings, and I didn't have to bug people about getting their home teaching done.  While on the flip-side, I got the opportunity to interact with members of the congregation and teach lessons, which is something I enjoy doing.

I had an absolute blast with my Sunday school lessons and I hope the people in my class did as well.  I believe that students can tell when their teacher is excited about their subject matter, and that energy rubs off on the students.

I tend to incorporate a lot of pictures, stories, and other attention activities into my lessons; since I always had a tough time paying attention in Sunday School.  Recently I found an object lesson that went along perfectly with a lesson I was teaching on the resurrection of Christ.


I got to the point in my lesson where two angels declare to Mary Magdalene and the other women that Jesus "is not here, but is risen."

The manual points out that President Howard W. Hunter said that those words "contain all the hope, assurance, and belief necessary to sustain us in our challenging and sometimes grief-filled lives."  To illustrate this point, I pulled out a crisp 50 dollar bill that I had withdrawn from the bank a few days earlier:

[Yes, I am aware that that is a 20 dollar bill.  I didn't feel like getting another $50 for the blog.  So use your imagination.]

I asked the class, "who would like $50?"  And of course, most people responded that they would enjoy having an extra $50 in their pocket.

"Well what if I were to wrinkle the bill into a tiny little ball like this?" I said.


The class said that they would still want the money.

"What if I were to stomp the money into the ground and rub on the floor?"


The chorus came again: "I still want it!"

"Well, okay then.  You're making me pull out the big guns."




That's right: Taco Bell Hot Sauce. The class's reaction to this was particularly awesome. I pulled out a paper towel and wiped the excess hot sauce off the bill.  I then held it up--wrinkled, dirty and wet--and asked "who still wants this?"

A few class members said they would still take the money.

"Okay then, you've left me no choice," I sighed.



The class just stared at me in shock.  I remember one of them saying "NOO!"

I asked one last time if anyone still wanted the money.  A few class members said yes, and then another class member said, "No, stop saying you want it! He might light it on fire next!"

I asked someone in the front row why they still wanted the mangled bill.  They said it was because it's still worth $50 to the bank, which is true.

Now let's apply this to the Resurrection with a story.

President Monson once told a story about a time he was in a priesthood leadership meeting with his former stake president, President Child.  President Child was known for his deep knowledge of the scriptures and his probing questions.  When it was his turn to speak, he quoted a well known scripture from Doctrine and Covenants section 18.  If you know your D & C fairly well, you know that the scripture says that "the worth of souls is great in the sight of God."

I'm quoting President Monson's talk now:

"He [President Child] then turned to one elders quorum president and asked, 'What is the worth of a soul?'"

"The stunned quorum president hesitated as he formulated his reply.  I had a prayer in my heart that he would be able to answer the question.  He finally responded, 'The worth of a soul is its capacity to become as God.'"

"Brother Child closed his scriptures, walked solemnly and quietly up the aisle and back to the stand.  As he passed by me, he said, "A most profound reply."- ("Our Sacred Priesthood Trust," April General Conference, Priesthood session.)


In other words, the true worth of a soul isn't who you are now, but it is the potential of what you can become.
In Senatobia, Mississippi, I knew a man who worked for the Federal Reserve.  One day, he brought a giant bag of shredded money to a dinner party we were having.  See, when a bill becomes too worn out for the banks to use, they send it to the Federal Reserve, which shreds the money into hundreds of tiny pieces.


The bag likely had well over $1,000 in it.  The man told me that if anyone were to put a bill completely back together, with the same serial number and everything, the Government would be legally obligated to accept it as legal tender.  This is why the Fed shreds the money into such small pieces.

We as people can be a lot like paper money.  No matter how ripped, wrinkled, or stained that fifty dollar bill was; it was still worth fifty dollars.  And no matter how broken, messed up, or scarred your life is; it is still immensely valuable to our Heavenly Father.

Do not forget that in your dark moments!  You may feel worthless, but to God your worth is infinite.  No matter where you are in your life, He still wants you to return to live with him.  That's the wonderful miracle of the resurrection and the atonement of Jesus Christ: every single thing that was ever wrong on this world can be set right through Christ.  What a wonderfully comforting thought that is.


Thursday, September 15, 2011

One Whole Year of Being an RM!

As of September 7th, I have officially been back from a mission for a whole year.  It went by super quick.  Because of this, I'm taking a look back at the three different stages of being an RM that I went through and the thoughts that accompanied them.


Stage One--The first two weeks of being back: "Everyone is going to Hell!"


  • "Go on a date with a girl?  Gross!"
  • "This Lady Gaga might actually be the whore of Babylon."
  • "Go to the supermarket alone? There's no way I can do that without a companion!"
  • "Were Disney movies always this suggestive?"
  • "Watch a PG-13 movie? NO!"
  • "What am I going to do for the rest of my life?"
  • "I feel obligated to share the Gospel with that person over there wearing the BYU-I hoodie."
  • "I must wake up at 6:30 every morning for the rest of my life."
  • "Listen to Jimi Hendrix?  But he was on drugs and stuff!"
  • "I'm going to tell this girl all of my mission stories. Girls love mission stories."

Stage 2--The next four months: "I'm going to Hell!"


  • "I'm going on dates, but I have no idea how to flirt." <Note: this may or may not be a problem I've had my whole life.>
  • "I woke up at 9:30 today.  I'm so lazy!"
  • "I studied the scriptures for only ten minutes today!"
  • "I spent four hours alone and didn't even wonder where my companion was.  Weird."
  • "My mission president would be so disappointed if he knew how often I say 'fetch,' 'fudge,' and 'eff.'"
  • "Is there any mission rule that I haven't broken since I got home?"
  • "Is this awkward stage going to last forever?"
  • "Actually, my whole life might have been a big awkward stage."
  • "Well, at least I'm still obeying the Word of Wisdom like crazy."

Stage 3--6 months since getting home: "Ah, what the hell."


  • "I've now watched every movie that came out over the last two years."
  • "Ooo, sweet!  Lady Gaga has a new album coming out!"
  • "I slept in until noon this last Saturday and it felt great."
  • "I'm going to play some Halo: Reach, because I haven't had enough violence in my life today."
  • "When I grow up, I want to be the gold robot guy on the Party Rock music video."
  • "Harry Potter premier: Emo Death Eater with a dark mark sharpie tattoo is a totally cool costume!"
  • "I haven't written in my journal since January." 
  • "Could I fit four dates in this week?"
  • "Dance party!"
  • "What the eff."


Now on a more serious note, I would like to take a moment and say that serving a mission is the best darn thing I ever did.  The work was hard, the hours spent were long, and the cards that I was dealt were sometimes frustrating; but I have never felt better and more sure about what I was doing with my life.  The people I met were amazing and the stories I gathered will last a lifetime.

It is one of the scariest things that happened to me in the last year was the loss of the good feeling I always had as a missionary.  I still try to do things in my schedule that emulate the missionary lifestyle, like always wearing white shirts on Sunday, exercising and reading scriptures in the morning, and making time to go to the temple often. But nothing can compare to the satisfaction of helping people change for the better.  I miss the feeling of all the prayers that so many faithful Mormons all over the world offered for missionaries. I miss the knowledge that what I'm doing right here, right now, is the best possible thing I could be doing. And most of all,I miss seeing the joy in someone's face after they're baptized.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Summer Movie Wrap-Up

Summer's officially over.  I've gone back to the daily grind of school days and work and all sorts of other things that will keep me from updating the ole' blog as often as I'd like.  But perhaps the saddest part of the start of fall is the end of the summer movie season.

I go to movies a lot. Probably about once every 10 days. By now, I've seen every movie I've wanted to with the exception of just a couple.  Here's the brief list of my movies I've seen since school got out:
  • Thor
  • Pirates of the Caribbean 4
  • X-Men: First Class
  • Super 8
  • Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
  • Cars 2
  • Captain America
  • Rise of the Planet of the Apes
  • Plus many DVD's viewed from the comfort of the massive love sac that is temporarily filling our living room.
The only two big movies I still want to see are Cowboys and Aliens and Transformers 3, both of which I'll catch in the dollar theater soon.

Anyway, I wanted to do a quick  pseudo-award thingy with the summer movies, so here it goes.

Best Performance--Andy Serkis, Caesar the Chip, Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Like, seriously. Andy's ability to show emotion through motion capture is straight up creepy.  You all know him as the guy that played Gollum in The Lord of the Rings and Kong in King Kong, but this performance is arguably his best yet.  You get to watch Caesar evolve from a playful chimpanzee into a leader of a revolution.  Hopefully the fact that Serkis always plays a CGI character won't exclude him from an Oscar nomination.


Favorite Gang--The Kids in Super 8

Because they're just so lovable, it's hard to imagine giving the award to anyone else--even with groups like the X-Men or Harry, Ron, and Hermione in the running.  You got the awkward nerdy kid with giant glasses, the kid with braces who lights everything on fire, and the other one who's voice cracks a lot.  Plus there's romance between Joe and Alice that's really cute.  In fact, I'd say they're my favorite couple of the summer.  And, as The Goonies taught us, everyone loves a foul-mouthed, fat kid.


Most Awkward Moment

This:



Speaking of Awkward Moments:

This:


Least Scientifically Plausible: Banshee Flies, X-Men: First Class

I'm no physicist, but I just don't see super-sonic sound waves propelling a dude with a squirrel suit like a jet pack.  And since he flies so competently on his second attempt, where exactly did Banshee learn how to use a squirrel suit so well?




Best Pixar Movie of the Summer:  Cars 2

I say that sarcastically, because it's also my least favorite Pixar movie ever.  Cars 2 isn't a bad movie; it's just that after being spoiled the last three years with three of the greatest animated films ever (Wall-e, Up, Toy Story 3), I was definitely hoping for more.  Pixar should be too classy for toilet humor.


Machine That I Wish Existed in Real Life: Whatever that thing was in Captain America

Because not only did it make Chris Evans massive, it also appears to work as a tanning salon and hairstylist.