What I Know About Texting

So I've been thinking a lot about the way I come across when I'm texting others, and I've come to the following conclusion: I hate texting.  I'm really bad at it.  But I am trying to learn how to be a better texter. Over the last few months, I have learned some helpful hints that I would like to share with you:

1.) The Short Text Problem.
Example Text: "Thats okay"
What the girl is thinking: "Ohmygosh he's being so rude and short with me!"
What the reality probably is: The dude is probably in the middle of something important (to him, at least), and probably doesn't have time to send out a longer text with proper punctuation.
How to prevent this problem: "Thats okay :)" 


Now everyone is as happy as the punctuation at the end of that message.

2.) Finding Hidden Meanings in a Text
Example: When someone starts their text with the word 'hey,' you can learn a lot from the way they misspell it.

For the record, a similar curve seems to exists for the ratio of texts to smiley faces a person sends.

3.) Other Advanced Uses of Emoticons

-[8l]  "Everyday I'm Shufflin'"

(V) (;,,;) (V)  "Need a new emoticon?  Why not Zoidberg?"

d:-) >  "Sup,' bro?"  (Note the cap and popped collar)

(:    "This smiley is upside-down.  This is how I communicate with people from Australia."

=)   "This smiley has big cute eyes.  It makes my text that much more expressive."

(^<  "Quack."

          "I'm a whale!"   (Note: apparently this only works on an iPhone) (Note 2: this fad died out three months ago.)







'__________________'

Some Advanced Emoticons

Emoticons have become such an integral part of the Internet lexicon that it is now normal to assume that a person is a robot if they don't use them in their status updates and text messages.  Consider the following texting conversation:

 

Girl:  Hey!  How r u doin? : P

 

Guy: I am doing pretty good.  How are you?

 

Girl:  Whats wrong? :(

 

Guy: Nothing's wrong.  I'm just fine.

 

Girl:  U dont have to hide from me :)

 

Guy:  I'm not hiding anything.  Why do you think I'm depressed?

 

Girl:  Because ur not smiling!

 

Guy:  I'm just using normal grammar.

 

Girl:  ur not using any ! marks either!

 

Guy:  They're called exclamation marks, and you aren't supposed to use them except in exclamations.

 

Girl:  R u some kind of grammar robot? o_O

 

And the girl thought the guy was some sort of grammar robot from that day forward. . . .

 

Guys, it you ever want to date girls that say "how r u doing?" in text messages, you will need to learn to use emoticons in your daily communications.

 

The problem that I have with emoticons, however, is that the same old emotes get old really quick.

 

So, without further ado, I would like to submit to you some more advanced emoticons that you can use to spice up your electronic communication in the event of more specific situations.

  <:-I

"I'm at a party right now and can't be bothered by your communications."

  "<:-)

"I'm at a party right now and am about to realize that my party hat is a baby alligator and can't be bothered by your communications."

  --n---n-"< o_O

"I am so busy staring at your social gaffe that I am completely oblivious to the large crocodile that is about to eat me."

  :-O &

"I just discovered that I have a tapeworm! :("

  OE:-(

"I am sad right now because an octopus is on my head."

  :^[>

"I was lying to you about being a vampire with a goatee.  My nose grows."

  $__$

"I've spent so much time studying finance that all I can see is bond valuations."

  I0-(

"Cyclops appears to be upset because he has a unibrow and doesn't have the brain power to realize that he should only have one eyebrow anyway."

  >I0-)

"We gave cyclops a party hat and he put it on upside down!  Oh well, at least it made him happy."

                M

  >I0-O  :0

             W

"Aah!  Cyclops is now eating my best friend."

  Q:-[

"Davy Crockett was a fetchin' vampire!"

  *@:-0

"The Elvis impersonator's hair is on fire."

Now your emoticon party will be much more exciting!