Evidences That I am Not a Good Person

In case you hadn't heard, the world could be ending in a few hours, which would make today the last Friday in history, which would mean that I will never hear another Rebecca Black Friday joke again.  This makes me want to cry.

Yes, but is it tears of sorrow, or tears of joy?

Anyway, I don't subscribe to the Rapture theory, but I do believe in a bit of fun.  So just for the heck of it, I am going to list 25 reasons why I would be one of those people that would be left behind.  Here it goes:

1. I will often ask people if there is anything I can do for them, and then be mildly disappointed when they say there is.
2. When I tell someone I'll pray for them, I will most likely forget to pray for them by 7 pm.
3. I never buy anything from the fresh produce section, and I intentionally buy the least healthy options whenever I am shopping for groceries.
4. Come to think of it, I haven't cooked a vegetable since 2007.  Possibly earlier.
5. I may not have said a cuss word since the second grade, but I have thought about it many times.
6. I don't always tell my friends how awesome they are; but when I do, it's on Facebook. But only on their birthday.  And if I'm in a good mood.
7. I enjoy listening to Lady Gaga.
8. If I do get left behind when the rapture comes, I'm totally going to take your car.
9. I haven't written a letter to my little brother on a mission for over a month.
10. I once took the tag off of a Beanie Baby.
11. I will sometimes laugh at dead baby jokes.
12. When I watched The Dark Knight, I was rooting for the joker.
13. When I watch horror movies, I pick out which characters I hope will die first.
14. When I watched Star Wars: Episode III, I was happy when Anakin finally became evil.
15. When I was a kid, I liked setting bugs on fire with a magnifying glass.
16. When I wrote ^that, I realized I still think it'd be fun to set bugs on fire with a magnifying glass.
17. This one time, when I checked our mail, I saw that all the letters were for my roommates.  I left all the letters in the mailbox.
18. I eat peanut butter straight from the jar with my finger.
19. I drink milk straight from the carton.
20. I love animals, but it's mainly because they taste really good.
21. One time, when I was missionary companions with really quiet person, I decided to stare at him and see how long it took for him to break the awkward silence (6 minutes and 32 seconds.  Holy Crap).
22. I then did that every day for the next week.
23. I say "what the eff" a lot.
24. When I see an acquaintance and I can tell they've forgotten my name ("Hey, . . .you, how are you doing?"), I like to watch them squirm by saying their name as many times as I can in our conversation.
25. When I meet people who want to know what nationality I am, but don't want to ask the question point blank, I like to throw them off and confuse them.  For example:

• "Do you speak any foreign languages?"
• "Nope, but I do know a couple of phrases in Spanish."
• "So. . .where does your last name come from?"
• "It's English." 
• "Oh, that's cool.  I was just wondering because I knew some Chinese who had the last name Low and I thought it might have had some Asian connection." 
• "Haha, those crazy Asians."
• "So, where are you from, Jake?"  
• "Farmington, Utah." 
• "And before that?" 
• "The Pre-Earth life?" 

 And that is why I am not a good person.