Battle: Provo

So last week, I went to go see Battle: LA in theaters with a group of friends.  It's the first of many movies I will watch in theaters this year.  I thought it was okay.  Here's my thoughts on it:

First of all, it's a big, dumb, action movie.  Don't go expecting much in the way of plot or character development.  The movie just jumps straight to the action with the opening scene showing LA already burning.  The movie then flashbacks to 24 hours previous to that moment and provide a series of vignettes that very quickly introduce you to each of the characters.  It lasts about a total of seven minutes.  They even provide captions telling you the name and rank of all the soldiers, allowing the characters to be introduced even quicker, so we can get to part where aliens start killing them all.

My biggest issue with Battle: LA is the way they filmed it.  I suppose the cinematographers were trying to go for the gritty, real-life feel by having camera angles and movements that mimics a war documentary; but to me, it felt like they just handed the camera to someone that has cerebral palsy.  Every shot had the camera shaking around worse than Rhianna's hips.  Every. Single. Shot.  That includes scenes in which nothing is happening but calm, peaceful dialogue.  Combine that with the seats I had in the front (since we got there late) and you get one serious case of motion sickness.

But the thing that always stick with me longer than a case of nausea in these films are the aliens themselves.  Unlike nearly every other alien invasion movie I've ever seen, these aliens do not come equipped with bullet/rocket/nuke proof energy shields that make any resistance at all completely futile.  The aliens will die if you shoot them with your standard M-16 (although it does take a fair amount of bullets).  The aliens do most of their invading from the ground, with squads of them running around in their space suits and guns shooting at the marines while the marines shot back, giving the action sequences a more Halo-esque feel.  I like this move, because it differentiates Battle: LA from other alien invasion movies where the aliens just sit in their ships and vaporize everyone.

However, the design of the aliens left a lot to be desired.  As a big time sci-fi nerd who used to draw pictures of aliens all day long in school instead of doing actual school work, I pay a lot of attention to the look of the aliens.

This is an alien guy that I drew about five years ago.  I probably have over two-hundred 9 x 12 sheets of paper with alien drawings that I made between fifth and ninth grade.

The invaders didn't have any cool antennae or crazy eyeballs. They didn't abduct humans to experiment on them or grind them up and use them as fertilizer.  They didn't even have super crazy awesome spaceships that rained death on Los Angeles.  I was sorely disappointed.  At one point, a red-shirt private gets shot in the leg by one of the alien's guns (which appear to shoot bullets, NOT purple death rays or parasites that eat your brain)--and he kept on walking.  I was totally expecting him to get vaporized or at least have his leg blown off.  I was thinking, "come on guys, if you're going to come all the way across the galaxy to wipe out humanity, at least bring a weapon that does a better job of killing us."

"Did that shot kill you?"  "Nope."   "Dang it!"

But on the plus side, these aliens didn't make a serious tactical error by grossly neglecting their field intelligence.  They thankfully weren't beaten by germs, water, or worse--a laptop with Windows 95.  That always bugs me a LOT.  Seriously, water melts your skin off and you decide to invade a planet that's 70% water?  I mean the indigenous population here is basically walking bags of water!

Same deal with germs.  The aliens in War of the Worlds planned their invasion so far in advance that they planted their tripods in the ground before humans even built cities, and they neglected to study whether or not they're allergic to germs?  That is such a cop-out.  

Dear aliens, 

If you are going to invade a planet that is literally covered with stuff that will kill you, at least don't make the mistake of running around naked.   That's the problem that the aliens in Signs, War of the Worlds,  and  even E.T. made.  You really ought to invest in some of those hazmat suits or something like that.  We humans know that you don't even drink the water in another country when you go to visit it.  Do you really think that getting out of your airtight indestructible ships and touching everything is a good idea?

"I'm on a foreign planet! I'm gonna run around naked and drink the water here!"

And another thing, why is it that after humans destroy your invasion force that you never decide to come back?  So what if you got hacked by a Windows 95 laptop?  Do you realize that by the time the ending credits start to roll that you've already destroyed all the financial centers of the world, all but eliminated a central government, obliterated our infrastructure, and brought the armed forces of the world to its knees?  It'll take decades before earth recovers from that!  Invest in some clothes and a firewall (I usually go with AVG) and send another fleet over. We'll topple like a house of cards.


Sincerely, 

Intelligent Life-form



Finally, I was wondering why it is that Aliens always decide to invade the most famous cities?  What do you think would happen if they decided to invade Provo first?

• LA invasion: Burn down the Hollywood sign
• Provo invasion: Paint the naked Indian statue red
• LA invasion: Army of marines and jet fighters
• Provo invasion:  Missionaries on bicycles with pass-along cards
• LA invasion: Defeated by water/germs
• Provo invasion: Defeated by the Jimmer
• LA invasion: Met by Will Smith punching them in the face and saying "Welcome to Earth!"
• Provo invasion: Met by a Relief Society President serving funeral potato casserole and saying "Welcome to the 14th ward!"