What Happens When You Let Me Cook

So anyone who has met me knows that I have the figure of a stick person, and anyone that knows me closely knows that I have weird eating habits.  I tend to eat slow, but I can eat forever.  I usually eat whatever I want, as often as I want, whenever I want.  That's the benefit of having a metabolism as fast as a greased cheetah strapped to a rocket and set on fire while being chased by ninjas.

Also, working at a fast food restaurant has only compounded my appetite for ridiculously bad-for-you food.  For example, one of the things that we created during some downtime at Taco Bell was something called the Chillupa.  So what you do is you take a regular deep fried chalupa shell, and then you go next door to Sugar and Spice--the dessert/ice cream stop--and fill the shell with ice cream, syrup, and then toppings.  So what you end up with is this ice cream taco thingy that's awesome.  We also experimented with deep frying Grilled Stuff Burritos (which already had around 700 calories to begin with).  That was so amazing, I could feel my heart yelling at me by the time I had gotten halfway through it.



Basically, I have two diet rules.  First off; stick to the three F's--Fast, Frozen, and Fried.  Secondly; if there is a less healthy option, take it.  I don't care what MSG is--if it makes my food taste better, I'm all for it. Side note: if our nation decides to start banning Happy Meals and fatty foods, I think that means the terrorists have won.

I was particularly excited when I got my mission call to the south, since I heard that Southern cooking is really bad for you.  I got even more excited when I heard that the average weight gain for missionaries in my mission was in the neighborhood of 40 pounds (probably the only missionary ever excited to hear that).

Eventually, I found my way to Beale Street in Memphis on a preparation day.  We ate at a place called Dyer's Burgers.  Its big claim to fame was that it hasn't changed its cooking oil since it opened during the Woodrow Wilson administration (1912!).  In fact, the oil is so valuable, an armed police escort guards it when it moves locations.  Also, they deep fry their hamburgers.  Dyer's doesn't believe in worthless filler like lettuce or tomatoes; they only want to serve the greasiest food in America.  Dyer's and I think alike.



Anyway, towards the end of the meal,  my companion said we should try the deep-fried twinkies that are served here.  "Heckyeswedo!!" I said.   I was really excited.  The deep fried twinkie is like the mythical unicorn in my food world.  Up to this point in time, I had only heard of its existence, and I had been a missionary for a full 18 months before I had gotten to this point.


"Hey kids, eat my insides!"

We ordered two to split between our group of five.  When the server brought the twinkies out on a platter a few minutes later, I beheld what looked like something I had seen in one of those anti-tobacco commercials ("this is what the pancreas of a life-long smoker looks like...").

Maybe someday in the future, my own organs might look something like that, and then there will be commercials that that warn small children not to follow my example by having doctors in rubber gloves squeeze cream filling out of my gallbladder during Saturday morning cartoon commercial breaks.  Anyway, the twinkie pictured above is coated in raspberry sauce and powdered sugar, and it tastes much, much better than it looks.  If I had to describe it, I would say it's like a fresh crispy cream doughnut that was specially cooked just for you by Paula Deen.

 You know, as I was looking back on all the photos (+ video) I've inserted into this entry so far, I've realized that anyone reading this might actually be losing their appetite.  My apologies if that is the case.

Anywho, I eventually started getting the deep fried twinkie craving again towards the end of my mission, but there wasn't any places nearby that actually sold them.  That meant that I had no choice but to actually attempt to cook them myself.

It took a few attempts, several sacrificial twinkies, and a small fire that had to be put out, but eventually, my companion and I cooked what you see below.

It's coated in brown sugar because powdered sugar was not available.  Anyway, since that time, I've been refining and improving the twinkie recipe.  And I have to say, it's gotten pretty darn good (and it looks better than the picture above).  Here's the current recipe:

6 twinkies

1 cup flour

1 cup milk

1 cup baking soda

1/2 cup powdered sugar

1 tablespoon oil

flour for dusting

toppings

-Freeze the twinkies for a little while (probably at least an hour or more)

-Heat up some oil in a pan or deep fryer to a medium heat.

-Mix the flour, milk, baking soda, powdered sugar, and oil in a bowl so that you have a nice gooey batter.

-Coat the twinkies in flour (to help the batter stick), and then roll them in the batter.  If you like, you could stick Popsicle sticks in the twinkies so that you have a fun little handle.

-Deep fry the twinkies.  You'll likely only be able to fry one or two at a time.  Watch carefully, because they will burn quickly if your not careful.  Leave in fryer until batter has turned golden brown.

-Allow twinkies to dry and cool.

-At this point, you can spice up the twinkies by adding whatever toppings you would like.  Some of my favorites have included whipped cream, powdered sugar, jam, raspberry sauce, caramel, and chocolate sauce.

The twinkies are really good, but also very heavy.  You'll likely only need to eat one in order to get your desert fix. 

P.S.  So I was writing this post while I was on Thanksgiving break up in Farmington.  Towards the end of the break, my mom, being the Primary President in my home ward, asked me to be an emergency Sunday School substitute for the 12 year old class of kids only a few minutes before their class started.  She told me the lesson was on Daniel, chapter one.  Or more specifically, how Daniel and his friends became much healthier than their Babylonian captors in just ten days solely because they ate healthy food, while the Babylonians didn't. 

I felt very hypocritical, especially right after writing down this blog post.

But I didn't feel guilty enough to change my eating habits (had XXL Chalupa for lunch today, in fact).  Haha

P.P.S.  I do exercise daily.  I don't plan on growing up to be the blob that eats everyone.